You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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