i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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