guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
