I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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