I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
