Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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