I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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