Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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