just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
