she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Even my vagina gasped.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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