I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
