this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize