you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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