Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
