You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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