im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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