My nipple is on Facebook.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
