this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
