I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
