I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
