he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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