He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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