is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
