She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
