I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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