mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
