You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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