I could make wine with my vomit
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
