is your mom at the bar?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
