singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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