I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
