I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
