I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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