god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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