clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
