Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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