I could make wine with my vomit
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
