I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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