so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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