Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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