Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
