Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
