My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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