My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
