i just sent this text using only my big toe
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
