Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
