So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
