things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
