Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
