oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I look better un-naked...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
