we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
