i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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