if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
