my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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