So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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