Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
