I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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