I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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