all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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