It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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