Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Randomize