Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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