I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
