You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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