is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
