You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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